Crap.
I had it all figured out. In the extremely short list of things that I felt I 'knew', that I wanted to live in Boston was one that I had down. I wanted to be back - London was fine and all, but I'd had enough. I don't know if I was so much anti-London as pro-Boston but many a day I do recall feeling this inner wail in my subterranean flat - "I wanna go HOME". I even wept at that cloying Michael Buble song... and yet now, here I am, the clock ticking, feeling - well, crap.
Why is this? Even just this weekend, I was ready to be home. To stop the wandering. To be among my own, back in my own life. And yet the past few days...
Is it because the past month I've been here has been busy enough without feeling that overwhelming stress of September and October? My social life hasn't filled out that much...
Is it even something as irrelevant as hearing John Mayer and even Jonny Lang in the shops now - familiar XPN-ish music is oddly soothing to me. And on the flipside, I've found myself compelled to contemplate a Robbie Williams CD. Have I just gone native?
I'm finding a groove with work as well - have a good rapport with some folks on the conference circut - seem to be able to hold my own. Still essentially repel at a lot of the discussion, but, well, it's easy to a degree. I feel somewhat legit with what I know, and okay not to know the rest. Valuable - like I do have something to contribute. And being able to basically work 4 hours a day is nice, too. The pressure feels eased. But for how long?
I like the idea that I can travel wherever. I'm still not quite adapted to the traveller lifestyle, though. I need to be more open, better at being alone and at intersecting with others. But it still is very romantic to me - jetting to Budapest, Vienna, Paris - I love realizing how cosmopolitan I have become - the idea of it anyway. I've been enraptured with the idea of living in London - in Europe - far more than the reality of it. But am I catching up?
I don't want to let go of my life in Boston. I want very much to maintain my flat - my home - in Cambridge. I'm still not ready to give myself fully over to this yet. But maintaining the status quo doesn't seem as formidable as it did. Maybe it's the absence of other options once I get back - I still have no idea what's ahead for me in 2006. I just don't know if I'm ready for all of this to be over.
And in another twist, I may have an opportunity to stay on here, not with my current company, but with another that I actually admire quite a bit. They like me, I like them. Nice people, relaxed, collegial, friendly ... basically the same type of job I've had, but with an office to go to and people to interact with daily. More structure. Maybe same flexibility to go to the states...
Anyway, all to say that I'm now questioning the one thing I thought I knew. Crap.
